I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
