I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
