i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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