I skipped work to stalk him.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
