In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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