2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
