During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
