I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i think i have two assholes
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
