Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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