Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
