Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
