My first STD was from a foam party
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
