I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Randomize
