omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
