ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
