My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
