We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Shame - the story of my life.
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