I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
