I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
