I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
she looked like the before picture.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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