i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
