i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm at about main and main street
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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