I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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