"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
