I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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