it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
