The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
