I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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