How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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