Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Randomize
