I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
