I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
honey bunches of taint.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
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