my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
