I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
