What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
