I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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