I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
