my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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