My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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