tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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