he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
