Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
