I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
