I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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