Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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