I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
