I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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