i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You are a genius and a whore.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
