Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
