Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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