Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(248): View more from Michigan

i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.

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(410): View more from Maryland

In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

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(248): View more from Michigan

i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.

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(404): View more from Georgia

They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line

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(260): View more from Indiana

How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it was like getting a handjob from robocop

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(845): View more from New York

I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode

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(817): View more from Texas

After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.

(813): View more from Florida

A snake? I must've been gone...

(817): View more from Texas

After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..

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