Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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