if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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