I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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