Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
