its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We had sex on a dog bed..
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
