Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
