we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
