we have officially lost it.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize