I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So much Jack, so little girl.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
