but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
