i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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