and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
