I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize