I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
