Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
